This may be a jumbled post, but I felt it on my heart to write it.
For those of y'all who know me personally, you know that being patient is not one of my strong suits. Though I have improved, I still wouldn't say that people would describe me as a "patient person."
As of lately though, I've really been struggling with patience. Patience and timing.
Every time I look on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, it seems as though another person I know is getting engaged, married, having babies, traveling all over the world... All things that I can't wait to do myself.
Yet, here I am sitting on my couch on Thursday evening by myself.
I remember being 14 talking about "When I'm 26, I'll be married and maybe have one kid." Well I'm 21, with no prospects and the thought of having an engagement, marriage and child in the next 5 years?! No. I don't think so.
I know it sounds like I am envious, but please don't get it twisted. I am truly happy for all of my friends/acquaintances and I wish them nothing but the best. To be honest, I'm not ready to do 3 of the 4 things I've listed (go ahead and guess which 3). I've liked all their pictures without any anger or jealousy, "aww"'d at all the babies and wrote "Congrats!" with the best of them, but that doesn't mean I haven't questioned "When will it be my turn?" And I question that more with when will God bring a man in my life, not the baby/marriage issue.
On Monday, I went to visit a girlfriend and we had a long talk about life and relationships, usual girl talk. Something that struck a chord with me was that we both had mentioned unhealthy relationships that we had been in and she told me that while she knew her relationship was extremely unhealthy, she still loved the guy. Being the (unappointed) mom and therapist of my friends, I began telling her to stop dealing with this boy and that one day a man who loved her as much as she loved him would come along. She just needed to focus and work on herself, and be patient.
Be patient.
I told her to be patient, yet I've been over here trying to make things work, mending and bending in relationships to make them perfectly blissful and Cosby-esque for the past X number of years.
Wait, what?
Admittedly, about 2 times per year a really great conversation with a friend or my mom causes me to take a good, long look at myself and how I've been trying to make things happen that God was slamming the door on. SLAMMING. Not gently closing for my own good, The Man was literally slamming them and telling me to move on and I was trying to make things work knowing good and well I shouldn't have been.
Earlier this year, I had a vision which I mentioned
here and since then I didn't feel God's presence around me nearly as much. Though I know He is always here and always watching, I could not -
for the life of me - feel His presence. Since my conversation earlier this week, I've really been in my Bible and watching sermons. The sermons have been about not settling.
No coincidence. They've been about cutting off connections that don't help me get to where I need/want to be.
No coincidence. Last night I had two visions. God is talking to me y'all. I can't tell you what they were about, I don't feel like I'm at liberty to share that quite yet, but y'all... God has great plans for me.
And I know He has great plans for each and every one of you too.
Just wait on it.
